He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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