why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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