The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
