I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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