one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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