i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
