I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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