Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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