if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
