It's Friday. Sex?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
