pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
