it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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