I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
