if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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