8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
