you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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