It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
