I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
