On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
In other news, I just burned my penis
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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