I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
