There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
