Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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