My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
