hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
