Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
