I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
