we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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