Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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