The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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