I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
