you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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