im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
