So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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