My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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