I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
