as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
