So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
honey bunches of taint.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
