So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
