i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
