Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
