Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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