I wish my penis had an off switch
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
