My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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