he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
