Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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