Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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