FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
