is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
