White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
