it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
